


How He Treated Me

by Snovi



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempted Murder, Based on Real Events, Blow Jobs, Choking, M/M, Out of Character, POV First Person, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Trauma, Very personal but can be read like its any other fic, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-06-27 13:53:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15686745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snovi/pseuds/Snovi
Summary: Its been four years since we were together. Four years since you gave me some of the best and worst experiences of my life. And I'm still not over you.---A vent fic inspired by real events that happened to me and I needed to get then down into wordsSome events have been changed a bit to fit the characters better, or because my memory failed me in some cases (but y'all wouldn't know that anyway since you weren't there but whatever disclaimer anyway)Also another disclaimer I guess I have to add this?? Please read the tags. This isn't a happy story.((Written in Evan's POV))





	1. Beginning of the End

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I love Connor Murphy. He is just out of character and an asshole because this is based off of real things that happened to me, so he has to be made the antagonist. Sorry if that upsets you :')

I couldn't move. My chest hurt so badly, like someone was crushing it with a weight. I could feel my heart pounding, making my chest tremble. I swore I could even see the fabric of my shirt twitch a little thanks to how hard my heart was beating against my chest. I cursed myself for getting so worked up over something that happened years ago.

Four years and I'm still letting it affect me like this. I forced myself to roll onto my side, letting out a choked sob. I pulled the pillow out from under my head, hugging it close instead. I'm so lucky, in the grand scheme of things. I have a mother who loves me. I have food on the table whenever I want it. I could probably get a job easily, since I know I am a good worker.

But none of it matters because of the anxiety, which cripples me so badly I can hardly leave my house.

I'm selfish for wanting to die just because I get a little nervous sometimes. There are people out there whose parents beat them, who don't get to eat for weeks on end, who have much more intense mental disorders that give them good reason to want to stop living. I have it so good and I still want to kill myself. Selfish.

The thought makes me sob again, and I nuzzle my face into the pillow. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. I'm so selfish. I even used to have a wonderful boyfriend. But I messed that up, too. Because I was so selfish, and cared too much about how I felt and not enough about how he might be feeling. I'm not as important as he was. As he still is.

 

I still remember how Connor and I first met. His name still leaves a sour taste in my mouth when I say it out loud. It was the first day of school when we passed in the halls, and I bumped into him. I turned to apologize, and he turned to yell at me. Neither ended up happening, since we just sort of stopped and stared at each other. I don't know what it was. I like to think it was love at first sight, at least on my end.

He didn't say anything to me then, and turned right back around and stormed off. Anyone else would have gotten screamed at, if I went off of what I'd seen Connor do to others in the past. I still don't know why he didn't. Maybe he felt bad for me. He found me at lunch then, and sat with me. It was awkward and neither of us said anything for a while, but finally he asked for my phone number. It was so out of nowhere, but it was clear he was trying so hard. I gave him mine, and he gave me his. After that he got up and moved away, leaving me alone at my lunch table again. But the difference was, he texted me this time.

 **Unknown Number:** hey its connor

 **Evan.H:** Hey?? Why did you leave?

 **Connor:** sorry i just always eat outside

 **Connor:** don't take it personally

 **Evan.H:** Okay. It was nice talking to you

 **Connor:** don't lie to yourself, that was the most awkward exchange two people have ever had

 **Evan.H:** Haha

 **Evan.H:** Hey, Connor? Can I ask you something? I know we just met pretty much but I don't want it to get too late before I ask.

 **Connor:** sure

 **Evan.H:** Homecoming is in a few weeks and I wanted to know if you wanted to go with me?

And then he stopped responding. It both broke my heart and sent it into overdrive, and I felt like I was about to have a heart attack. It took all my courage to even ask that question in the first place and i felt fully drained just from sending the message, and not getting a reply was not helping me feel any better. I went through the rest of the school day feeling on edge, hoping I would see Connor in the halls to apologize or something.

Why did I ask him something so stupid, I messed up our friendship so quickly. God dammit. The school day ended, and I went right up to my room when I got home, throwing my backpack on the floor and jumping into bed, taking my phone out to check my texts. Nothing.

I bit my lip, trying not to cry. I send him a few more texts just in case. Usually the thought of double texting freaks me out, but I was already freaking out, so it didn't really matter.

 **Evan.H:**  Connor I'm really sorry I asked that I'm so stupid

 **Evan.H:**  Please don't stop talking to me over this I really like talking to you

 **Evan.H:** I just meant as friends I wasn't meaning to make it sound like I was asking you out

 **Evan.H:**  Or even in a gay way at all like no homo

 **Evan.H:**  Please I'm so sorry please don't ignore me

 

I almost scream when my phone goes off in my hands.

 

 **Connor:** its chill

 **Evan.H:** Oh my God Connor

 **Connor:** relax. sorry I didn't respond earlier

 **Evan.H:** No I should be sorry for even asking when we hardly know each other

 **Connor:** can you stop typing for like 5 seconds so I can explain for fucks sake

 **Evan.H:** I'm sorry

 **Connor:** anyway it was cool of you to ask but i'm kind of planning on going with someone else already. and it's in a fully homo way, by the way

 **Evan.H:** Oh

 **Connor:** yeah. sorry. i also won't actually be at the dance either. both me and my date kind of hate loud dances and shit so we were just going to chill in his basement

 **Evan.H:** That sounds fun

 **Connor:** yeah. glad you understand, man.

 

I didn't understand. I didn't understand and I certainly wasn't happy. It hurt to know what while I felt the spark of love at first sight, Connor already had eyes on someone else. Someone I didn't even know the name of.

Right off the bat I felt sour towards them, making me feel even worse. What right do I have to be hating someone who I've never met just because they know Connor better than I do?

So Connor and I stayed as just friends. It was nice, and I could push down my puppy crush enough for us to be good casual friends without me making it weird. We would play games in his basement, eat snacks together, just talk casually while some stupid YouTube video played in the background. It was nice.

No one had ever wanted to spend time with me like this before. Even Jared, who I hadn't even properly hung out with like this since we were 8 years old, never seemed to enjoy my company as much as Connor did. Sometimes he would do something, like laugh or smile, and it would take my breath away.

It would make my heart twist in my chest, because I wanted nothing more than to kiss those smiling lips. The reminders that Connor didn't like me like that would hurt, but I could deal with it. I could ignore the feelings if it meant keeping such an incredible friend.

I still remember one day when we were hanging out and I got my first glimpse at the side of him I hadn't seen before. The side that made people avoid him in the halls. The side that people gossiped about behind his back. The side that he hasn't shown to me since the moment we met. It was innocent, he was sitting in a chair on his laptop, and I was by his side.

My eyes wandered mindlessly away from the computer screen, watching his hand as he clicked away on the track pad. I felt my heart tighten when something on his arm caught my eye. He hadn't been wearing his hoodie at the time, so his pale arms were bare. It was hard to see at this angle, but I swore I could see perfectly straight pink lines on his wrist, which was pressed against the laptop in such a way that I couldn't quite be sure of what I thought I was seeing. I fumbled for my phone in my pocket, gaining his attention.

“Hey, you okay? You look a little pale.” He asked me, sounding genuinely concerned. I swallowed hard, shaking my head.

“No, nope I'm fine. I'm okay, I just. I forgot I didn't ask my mom when I needed to be home.” I covered quickly, getting my phone out and refusing to meet his eyes. He shrugged and looked back at the computer screen, easily buying my fib. After all, my mother was always wanting to know when I would be home.

Once he was distracted, I stealthily opened the camera on my.phone, snapping a picture of what could be seen of his wrist. Without a second thought is sent the picture to my mother.

 **Evan.H:** I know you're at work right now but I just saw this on Connor's wrist is this what I think it is

I never ended up getting an answer. But I didn't need one. I knew what it was, I wasn't an idiot. But it broke my heart to think that Connor was hurting himself. I wanted to help, but I didn't want to bring it up with him.

“Hansen?” His voice brought me out of my own head, making me jump a bit and drop my phone in my lap. “Woah, sorry I didn't mean to startle you… When did your mom say you have to be home by?” He asked, still thinking that's what I was texting her about. I took a quick breath, staring at my hands in my lap.

“She, uh, she didn't answer yet. She's at work right now.” I said softly, biting my lip as I fought my nerves. “Hey, um… Connor? What's… What's on your wrist?” I mumbled, almost a whisper. I felt him tense next to me, taking his hand off of the track pad and holding it in his lap, fully hiding the marks from my view.

“Its nothing. Me and the cat just had a little fight, that's all.” He let out a breathy laugh, trying to relieve the tension. I laughed with him, feeling awkward. I nodded my head, tightening my grip on my phone.

“R-Right, of course. Be careful next time, try not to make her so angry!” I told him, nudging him playfully. He laughed again, a bit more genuine this time.

“Yeah, I won't. Or I'll at least make sure I win next time she tries to pick a fight.” He joked, nudging me back, albeit much rougher, almost bumping me right off the couch and onto the floor. The awkward tension dissipated fairly quickly, though I couldn't stop thinking about it all. His cat didn't even have any front claws. Or back ones either, in fact.

_So why would he lie to me?_


	2. Lead

He later told me he lied to make me happy. He knew I liked him, I wasn't very good at hiding it. So one day, he actually asked me out. 

We were at his house as always, and we were watching TV, though neither of us were really watching it. We were sitting close, so close that most people would see us and assume we were more than friends. 

“Hey, Ev?” He asked me, without turning his head. I looked at him curiously, taking my eyes off of the TV screen to listen. “I was wondering… If someone were to ask you out, how would you want them to do it?”

“Um…” I answered stupidly, trying to process the question. Where did that even come from? “I don't know? I don't think anyone would ever want to ask me out so I've never really considered it.” 

“Okay, but hypothetically then. Say someone  _ did _ want to ask you out.”

“I… I guess I would just want them to ask me? I don't need a dinner date or anything… I'd be happy if they just said something like, ‘Hey Evan, you're kind of cute and I like you a lot, wanna go out?’ or something.” I answer truthfully, blushing a little. Connor nods, looking thoughtful.

“I see…” He trailed off, a little smile on his face. He still wasn't looking at me, but I could see the corner of his lips upturned in a smirk. 

“Uh, why do you ask…?” I prompted, getting nervous. I was somewhat expecting him to laugh and mock me for my answer, judging by the smirk on his face. He finally turned to face me, and though his smile had dropped into a more serious look on his face, his eyes stayed soft.

“No reason… By the way, Evan? You're cute and I like you a lot, do you want to go out?” He asked. I blinked, not sure if I'd heard correctly.

“I- You- What?” I choked, feeling my face heat up with a blush. The smile returned to Connor’s face.

“I asked if you wanted to go out with me. You know, be my boyfriend?” He clarified, still smiling. I stared at him for a few moments, prepared to hear him laugh at me or yell ‘Sike’! 

However, the mocking never came.

“R-Really? I mean- Yes, yes of course I'll go out with you!” I gasped, my initial shock wearing off. I felt my face stretch into a smile to match the one Connor still wore, giggling softly both from excitement and nerves. “I thought you didn't like me like that… What about the person you went to homecoming with?” I asked. Connor shrugged dismissively.

“It wasn't going to work out. They only like me as a friend. I know how much you like me though, and I'm willing to try…” He looked down at my lap, gently taking one of my hands in his own. My own eyes went down as well, staring at our joined hands. I silently noted how skinny and long his fingers were, and how small his hands were compared to mine. I heard him speaking again, and looked up at him to find him staring into my eyes intently.

“So… Now that we’re like, dating? Can I kiss you?” He asked, and I swore I could see traces of a blush on his face. My eyes widened, and all I could do was nod in response. He gave my hand a small squeeze, leaning in. My eyes fell closed long before our lips met. I was imagining this moment since the day I first saw him. 

I let him lead the kiss, excitement buzzing in my chest. There were no fireworks or anything when we kissed, but it was so good. Connor’s lips were soft and precise, fitting against mine perfectly. Almost like they were made for each other. I didn't want the moment to end, and he pulled away much too soon for my liking. I heard him chuckle, and only then did I open my eyes.

“That was my first kiss.” He told me, almost looking embarrassed. I swallowed hard, suddenly very self conscious of how hot my cheeks felt. 

“It was mine too. You, um. You have really soft lips.” I told him without thinking. He exhaled softly through his nose, lips quirking up into that little half smile. 

“Your lips are really soft, too. I can't believe I didn't want to do that sooner.” He leaned in again, kissing me once more. I melted into his touch, placing the hand that he wasn't still holding on his chest, fisting his shirt in my hand loosely just for something to keep me grounded. 

If this was a dream, I didn't ever want anyone to wake me up from it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First fic where I can pretty much guarantee daily updates because I already have everything written lmao  
> This was gonna be longer but I accidentally deleted part of the story somehow so now I have to rewrite it :^) no big  
> Next chapter will be naughty


	3. Breathe Me In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Watch as I get a little to into writing porn  
> I almost forgot this was supposed to be a vent fic based on real events part way through the smut lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyway smut warning 
> 
> And another disclaimer, same as the first chapter: I love Connor. I love his character and how complex he is. I don't believe he's actually this much of an asshole. This circumstance us based off of something that really happened to me, so his character is modified slightly to fit the real life occurrence

From then on we hung out almost every day. I couldn't get enough of him. I went to school during the day, and stopped by his house after school was over.

He started skipping class more and more. I didn't like it, but I didn't dare confront him about it. The more I went to his house, the more I noticed myself having to go up to his room to see him. No longer was he sitting on his living room couch right inside the door, waiting for me. It would take a lot of persuading just to get him out of bed and downstairs to watch a movie.

He stopped coming to my house completely. I tried not to think too hard about why.

Most of the time spent together at his house was spent up in his room. Watching movies on his laptop, me watching him play games on said laptop (single player games. He would play and I would just sit and watch).

Sometimes it would escalate. He would sit and play a game, and I would get bored, and would get a little burst of confidence.

While he wasn't paying attention, I lightly brush the hair away from his neck and lean in. I feel him tense, but he doesn't say anything or stop moving his fingers over the keyboard, so I don't stop. I press my lips to his neck, kissing softly. I hear him sigh softly, and tilt his head to the side to give me more room.

I eagerly readjusted myself so I could face him better, putting one hand on his chest as I kissed up his neck, daring to trace my tongue over his jawline. I faintly heard him gasp, but I only had a moment to relish in the small victory before he was shoving me onto the bed, pinning me down. I heard his laptop clatter to the floor with the sudden movement, but neither of us cared in the moment.

He stared down at me, his blue eyes dark and his pupils dilated with lust. I stared back at him, feeling myself blush from the way he was looking at me. He smiled a little, leaning down and kissing me softly before moving to my neck, mirroring on my neck what I had done to his. His kisses got sloppy quickly, and I felt him drag his tongue up my neck. I shivered and let out a quiet moan. Never could I imagine that being as hot as it was. I felt a pull at my skin, grunting when I felt his teeth pinch me. He sat back and licked his lips, staring at my neck.

“I left a mark.” He commented softly. I let out a nervous laugh.

“My mom is going to kill me.”

“You can cover it. It's not too high up.”

“If she sees it she’ll kill me. Or lecture me on safe sex. I don't know what's worse.”

That got a chuckle out of him, and I melted at his smile. He paused, lightly touching the mark on my neck.

“You look really good with a lovebite, Evan. I love seeing you all marked up. All mine.” He mumbled, his tone making my dick even more interested in the situation than it had been previously.

“C-Connor… Can you take my shirt off? You can leave more marks then, I never take my shirt off at home…” I practically begged him, biting my lip. He nodded quickly, grabbing the bottom of my shirt and gently pulling it up over my head, tossing it off the side of the bed. I resisted the urge to cross my arms over myself as he looked me over. He stared at my body like I was his last meal.

“Evan, you're beautiful…” he mumbled, running one hand up my tummy and my chest, his other hand holding himself up above me. I blushed at the praise, looking away and not answering. He didn't seem to be waiting for an answer anyway, getting back to work with marking up as much of my skin as possible.

At some point his shirt came off as well, when I complained it wasn't fair that I was shirtless but he wasn't.

I reached out, caressing his pecs softly.

“You look so nice.” I said softly, looking up at him.

“Your nipples are really pink.” He said out of nowhere, looking at my chest still. I blushed.

“Uh… Is that a bad thing?”

“No, no not at all. It's just different. I've not seen another dudes nipples up close besides my own.” He shrugged.

I laughed nervously again, nodding. I felt awkward, but I tried not to let it show.

“So, um… How far are we going to go? I kind of want to…” I trailed off, my cheeks turning red. He smirked.

“Want to what? Use your words!” He chuckled. I blushed even more, deciding to use my actions since words were failing me in the moment. I got down on my hands and knees, crawling so I was over Connor’s crotch. His chuckles died down quickly as he watched me curiously. I licked my lips, putting my hands on his hips. I slowly and carefully began to pull down the pajama pants he was wearing, going slow enough that he could stop me if he wanted to. He didn't.

I pulled them down enough so I could get his cock out, reaching out for it with a shaking hand. I didn't look at his face once as I leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to the bright pink head of his dick. His hand found its home in my hair quickly, and I made sure to give him a good time. I started slow, but his soft moans spurred me on.

I sucked as best I could, bobbing my head up and down like I had seen done in so many videos. He seemed to enjoy it even if I didn't know what I was doing if his cute gasps and stifled moans were anything to go by. I almost came in my pants when I heard him moan my name.

“Mmh, Evan…”

It was soft, almost like it slipped out without him knowing. I glanced up at him, taking in his furrowed eyebrows and tightly shut eyes, his mouth open slightly for soft breaths to slip through. I watched as his bottom lip was pulled between his teeth, his hips jerking up into my mouth.

Before I knew it, a thick, salty liquid exploded in my mouth, making me pull away quickly and gag, spitting onto his bedsheets on instinct. He didn't seem to care however, as he was totally blissed out, his head laying limply on his pillow and his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath.

“Fuck, Evan… That was awesome…” He chuckled, opening one eye to look at me. I blushed, wiping my mouth on the back of my hand before nodding.

“Y-Yeah, I liked it too. Do you think, um… Can you do it to me, too?” I asked shyly, very aware of my own throbbing erection. Connor’s one open eye moved down my body, resting on my crotch. He let out a groan as he sat up, as if moving was causing him physical pain.

“Fine…” He mumbled, and I quickly sat back, spreading my legs to give him room. He looked indifferent, reaching out to palm my dick through my boxers.

He didn't wait long before tugging the waistband of my boxers down enough to have my dick spring out, leaning forward and taking the leaking head into his mouth. My eyes fluttered closed in pleasure at the warmth around my cock, but they snapped back open when the warmth left just as quickly as it had started. Connor sat up, wiping his mouth.

“It tastes gross.”

“Wh… What?”

“Its gross... Ev, you could have just told me it tastes gross and I wouldn't have made you suck me off at all.”

“But- But I didn't think it was gross, I liked it!”

“Huh. Well, whatever, I guess sucking dick just isn't for me. I need a nap after all that.” Connor shrugged, laying back down on his side, his back facing me.

A wave of self consciousness washed over me, making my blood turn cold. Was I just the one that tasted bad? I could have sworn I had showered this morning. Connor didn't taste bad at all. I mean sure, his semen didn't taste all that great, but I hadn't even cum before he said that I tasted gross.

I looked down at my lap, and at my slowly dying erection. Him telling me I was gross was certainly a huge turn-off. I sighed heavily and pulled my boxers back up, not having the energy to finish the job myself. I cuddled up to him, nuzzling my nose between his shoulder blades.

He didn't move, only laying there and breathing evenly as he tried to sleep.

He told me once that he was afraid to sleep because of the night terrors. I remember the pit I felt open up in my stomach when I asked if sleeping next to me helped the terrors go away, and he said no. 

I wanted so badly to help him. It always felt like nothing helped. I would cuddle close, and 9 times out of 10 he would push me away, claiming it to be too warm to be so close together. 

Connor would kiss and make out with me often, ready to be sexual at any given time, but sleeping spooning each other seemed to be crossing the line in his eyes. 

It was days later during another sexual experience where he did something that I laughed off in the moment, and think about in horror now that the moment is over. 

We had started out kissing, and things were heating up. 

I knew he liked being choked, he liked when I would press my hand against his throat and squeeze just enough so that breathing was difficult. I wasn't sure what the appeal was, so I asked. He was more than happy to show me.

“And you'll stop if I tap you, right?” I confirmed, my breathing already fast from the anxiety I was feeling. He nodded, smiling and running his fingers lightly over my neck. 

“I promise. Just keep one hand on my arm, and I'll let go if I feel you tap. I don't want to hurt you.” He reassured me, kissing me softly. I smiled, relaxing. 

I trusted him. I was putting my life in his hands. I trusted him with my life. I closed my eyes as he kissed me again, harder this time. I heard him grunt softly, already putting a hand around my neck but not yet squeezing. 

I shivered at the feeling, squirming a bit in excitement. He seemed spurred on by my reaction, nipping at my bottom lip and deepening the kiss. I moaned quietly into his mouth, resting one hand on his arm and the other on the back of his head, petting his hair softly. 

That's when I felt his grip tighten, and I felt myself start to tremble under his strong grasp, his other hand gently palming at my crotch. I could certainly see why he liked this. The lack of oxygen getting to my brain made every touch amplified, almost over stimulating me. 

I felt a little faint as he continued to kiss my breath away, but he moved before I could tap out. He released my neck and let me gasp for air before going right back in, squeezing once more. I let out a moan, the noise coming out as a tiny squeak thanks to my blocked airway. 

I expected to hear him chuckle at the noise, but when I got my eyes to focus, he wasn't even smiling. He was staring at me intensely, brows furrowed in thought. I was about to ask what was wrong, when I felt his other hand join the first on my neck. I squeaked again, both my hands flying down to grip at his wrist. 

I tapped his arm with one of my fingers like we discussed, seeing dark spots at the edges of my vision. When that got no reaction, I panicked and hit his arm a little harder to try and get him to let go. I tried to keep my eyes focused on him, but things were quickly becoming blurry as he squeezed even tighter. I felt the tendons in his wrists grow taut from just how hard he was squeezing, his features dark as he stared me down. 

I felt my chest heave as I tried to take in air, shaking my head side to side and kicking out my legs in desperation. 

He finally seemed to snap out of it, sitting back and letting me go. I sat up and coughed, gasping for breath. 

“Tha-That was too much, I tapped you…!” 

“Sorry. Must have gotten carried away.” He apologized casually, rubbing my back soothingly. I forgave him easily, and laughed it off. I swear he tried to kill me that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: added a little more since the bottom part wouldn't have been enough to qualify as its own chapter


	4. Strike One

Of course I never brought it up again. We moved on.

The friend he had chosen over me on homecoming night seemed to be visiting more and more. I had nothing against him, he seemed nice enough. But I'm allowed to be jealous, right? Connor was my very first boyfriend, and I wasn't keen on sharing him, especially not with someone who I knew he had feelings for in the past. It was awkward when he would visit when I was over. It felt strange to be domestic with Connor with someone else present. I didn't like when he visited. I didn't like him. I hated myself for not liking him. He didn't do anything wrong.

Turned out I was missing a word; yet. He didn't do anything wrong yet. It was a school day, early in the morning. Seriously early. I had just woken up. I was scrolling through Instagram before I had to get up, still laying in my bed with 5 minutes until my alarm would go off again. I noticed he had posted something, and went to check on it eagerly. I was smiling as I clicked on the thumbnail, but my smile fell quickly. I actually had to reach down and pinch myself hard on my side, to make sure I wasn't having a nightmare. I sat up in bed, leaning against my bed frame as I tried to process my shock. 

The picture Connor had posted was of him, in a white button down that was unbuttoned just a little too far down. He had a shy smile on his face, like he was embarrassed. The innocent look on his face clashed with the dark hickies on his neck, and I felt my chest tighten more the longer I looked at the picture. He knew I followed him, why would he post this? I know I didn't put those there. I know for a fact it wasn't me. Why did he do this? And with who? I thought he loved me. 

Does this mean we’re over? The last thought makes me sob, and I quickly cover my mouth with my hand so my mom won't hear and come ask what's wrong. I quickly get out if bed and get dressed, pondering how to deal with this situation. 

In the end I decided to write up something during breakfast and send it over Skype, something I wouldn't be able to check until I got back home so I wouldn't be distracted at school.

**Me:** Hey Connor, I just saw the picture you posted on Instagram last night. I just wanted to ask what was on your neck? I mean they're obviously hickies but I want to know why? I'm not angry. Please don't think I'm angry, I'm just confused and a little sad. I'm sorry if I'm not enough for you or something. I know you're probably asleep right now. I have to go to school. I'll see you tomorrow. I love you.

I sent the message with a sigh, closing my laptop and getting up from the table. Today was going to be a long day. 

Or so I thought. The school day went without a hitch. Soon after getting to school I mostly forgot about the whole issue. By the time lunch came around, I was even laughing.

“Stop, stop it! You're gonna make me pee myself!” I laughed, my sides starting to hurt. Jared laughed with me, snorting a little as he fought to control himself.

“I haven't even said anything! You just keep laughing!”

“You're laughing too! Your laugh is making me laugh!” I protested, still giggling. 

“Oh my god, you're an idiot…” Jared said playfully, elbowing me in the side. I was slowly starting to calm down, but an angry stare from a teacher across the lunchroom shut me up instantly. 

“J-Jared, I think we were being too loud.”

“What? You really think we’re gonna get in trouble for laughing?” He scoffed, still chuckling a little. I smiled again, even surprising myself with how relaxed I felt today.

“Yeah, I guess… I can't wait to tell Connor about this, I can't believe we just made each other laugh over nothing for like 5 minutes!” I exclaimed, looking thoughtful. Jared scowled, however. 

“Do you ever stop talking about him? He's not even here half the time but you talk about him enough to make up for him not being here.” He muttered, making me frown.

“What do you mean? Jared he's my boyfriend, of course I'm going to talk about him… Are you jealous or something?”

“No, I’m not jealous! But haven't you noticed that he's… You know…” Jared pointed a finger to his own temple, drawing a circle with it in the air. “He's clearly got a screw loose, man…”

“Don't say that!” I defended Connor quickly, gently smacking Jared’s hand down. “He isn't crazy.” I huffed. Jared raised an eyebrow.

“Didn't you say he cut himself or something? And I've seen the hickies he leaves on you, it seems pretty crazy that you of all people would be getting any action.” 

“Don't… don't talk about that stuff so loudly.” I muttered, blushing. “He hasn't hurt himself in a while. Don't fault him for that… A-And what do you mean? Do you not think I could get with someone like that?” I asked defensively.

“No, not like that. I just mean… You used to talk about no sex until after marriage and stuff before you met him. You always said you wanted to wait for the right person or whatever, so it would be more special.” Jared shrugged, taking a sip out of the cardboard milk carton provided by the school. “So its weird that he would change your views so drastically and now you two are just fucking casually.”

“W-We aren't-!” I spluttered, my face heating up even more. I take a deep breath, sighing. “Its not like that. He  _ is _ the one, Jared. I wouldn't do this with just anybody. I… I really think I'm going to marry him one day.” I confessed. Jared snorted, and then started to cough. I rolled my eyes and looked away from him, ignoring him as he grabbed a napkin and tried to wipe off the milk that had came out of his nose off of his face. 

“Jesus Christ Evan! You're 16 and you're thinking about marrying the guy!? Who are you and what did you do with Evan Hansen?” Jared laughed, tossing his balled up napkin, now saturated with nose milk, at me. I let it bounce off my shoulder, grimacing.

“Don't laugh at me. I'm being serious.” I mumbled, frustrated that I was being mocked after expressing my feelings. I heard the bell ring faintly in the background, and the students around us started to stand up to leave. Jared stood up next to me, still smirking. 

“Whatever. Good luck with that. See you tomorrow, nerd.” He nudged my shoulder as he walked past, making me almost tumble out of my seat. I sighed, slowly standing and grabbing my lunch tray, and Jared’s as well. It had become tradition for Jared to leave his garbage behind for me to throw out for him. By the time everything was disposed of, the lunch room was empty. I hesitated, pulling my phone out of my pocket. 

After Jared’s mockery, I could really use some uplifting words from Connor. Or even just hearing his voice would be enough. I smiled to myself as I clicked the button to speed dial him, putting the phone to my ear. It rang until it went to voicemail, making my smile drop a bit. He must still be asleep. I tried to call three more times before giving up. I didn't want to be late for class. 


	5. The Victim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I keep upping how many chapters this will be I'm sorry I just can't judge how long my works will be ahead of time nsndjd

Every so often I would send a text to Connor, asking if he was up yet. Asking how he was doing. Telling him I loved him. Up until the school day ended, and I got a text saying my mom had off today so she was willing to give me a ride home. 

I sighed and stared sadly at my 0 new messages, waiting on the curb for my mom to pull up. I sent one last text to Connor before deciding to just leave him alone for the night.

**Me: Sorry if I'm being annoying. Do you need me to come over? I love you**

I jumped a bit as I caught movement out of the corner of my eye, something right in front of me. I raised my head, smiling slightly when I laid eyes on my mother’s car. She smiled back and waved, and I quickly got into the passenger seat.

“Hey, honey! How was school?” She asked, waiting until my seatbelt was buckled before she began to drive. 

“It was alright… Uneventful. Connor skipped again.” I shrugged. It was such a common occurrence nowadays.

“I'm shocked he hasn't gotten in trouble yet.” My mother commented, softly. “You're keeping up with your work, right? You aren't letting him distract you too much?”

I decided to lie a little bit for that question. She didn't need to know how I kept my phone inches away from me at all times, ready to pounce if I got a message from Connor. I was ready to drop everything at a moments notice for him. 

“Yeah, of course. I wouldn't let anyone get in the way of a passing grade.” I hoped that was a good enough answer. It seemed to be, since my mother smiled and nodded. The rest of the drive home was silent between us, the radio softly playing some 80s station. She parked the car, and with the rumble of the engine turning off, I almost missed my phone vibrating. I scrambled to take it out of my pocket, opening the message in a hurry.

**Connor: No. Check Skype.**

I swallowed hard, already nervous. Connor never capitalized or used punctuation unless it was serious. Or if he was angry. My hands shaking, I ran into the house once my mother unlocked the door, almost dropping my laptop in my haste to throw it open. I swallowed repeatedly as I waited for Skype to open and load, feeling as if I might be sick at any moment. 

Finally Skype loaded. I saw I had at least 20 unread messages from him. I clicked on our DMs.

Line after line of insults. My vision was blurry with frightened tears. I could hardly make out the words. I only vaguely heard my mother call my name behind me.

I caught some of the words as I tried not to break down right there.

**‘You know I don't even really like him, it wasn't romantic we were just messing around.’**

**‘Why do you care so much what I'm doing anyway’**

**‘Its my business what I do, you're being really clingy’**

**‘To be honest you're so annoying with this, all you do is call and text me constantly’**

**‘The second I'm gone or with someone else you fucking freak out’**

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I started to sob. My mother shushed me gently, easing me away from the computer. Trying to relax myself, I got my phone back out, dialing his house phone. My mother read the Skype messages behind me while my phone rang.

“Hello?” The voice of Mrs Murphy, Cynthia, came through. I tried to catch my breath so she could actually understand my words.

“H-Hi, its Evan, um… Is Connor okay? He, he's sending me messages, and they're really hurtful, and I'm scared he's going to hurt himself he sounds so angry…” I rambled, turning my head when I heard my mom gasp. I cried harder when I saw more new messages pop up on screen. 

**‘Telling on me to my mom huh? Real fucking mature’**

**‘You know I was starting to trust you, but now I'm rethinking it’**

**‘You make it really hard to love you’**

I tore my eyes away from the screen, focusing on Cynthia’s voice.

“I think he's okay? He's in his room right now…”

“R-Right… Can you just, j-just… Get rid of anything he could hurt himself with in the moment? I'm… I'm really scared.” I admitted, sniffling. 

“Oh, Evan… It'll be okay, I'm sure he’ll be fine once he gets out of this mood. I'm sure he’ll apologize and everything… I'll make sure he stays safe tonight, though.” She promised, and I could almost see the pitiful smile she surely had on her face.

“Thank you… S-Sorry to bother. Bye.” I hung up quickly, not waiting for her response, which would have surely just consisted of more pity. I sunk down to the floor, pulling my knees to my chest and pressing my forehead against my thighs. I let myself cry it out, the words he said to me in those messages beating themselves against my brain.

Why did I say anything? If I hadn't said anything about it this wouldn't have happened. He would still trust me. He would still love me. I'm an idiot, why did I open my stupid mouth? They're just hickies. 

I sob again, holding my knees closer.

You should be the one begging for forgiveness. But instead here I am, on my knees for you.


	6. Strike One: Redacted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ones a little short  
> Just an intermission I guess you could say?  
> Also I'm emotional at the comments I'm getting sbdjdjfnnf

Without asking, I went to his house the next day after school. Hoping, praying that he wouldn't throw me out. 

Its kind of a blur. I remember it in quick snippets. Me knocking. Cynthia answering the door. Telling me Connor was still upstairs, asleep. 

_ It's after 3pm. Why is he still asleep? _

I went up to his room, making sure to keep quiet. I saw him sleeping, facing me. I almost forgot how terrified I was when I saw his peaceful, sleeping face. 

I had the fleeting thought to kiss him awake.

Instead I put a hand on his shoulder, shaking him lightly. He woke up, seeming more disoriented than angry. I told him I was sorry. I was so sorry. 

He wrapped me up in a hug, the kind that felt so, so warm. The kind you could just melt into. The kind that you wish could last forever. 

I remember asking, insanely nervous.

“Are we okay?”

He assured me, that yes. He still loved me. He kissed me softly.

He said he forgave me. He accepted my apology. 

I don't think he ever said sorry back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep forgetting I can plug my tumblr here  
> Feel free to message me on there if you want, @foolishly-snowy


	7. A Step In A Direction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why do I keep updating at crazy ass hours of the night why do I do this  
> Also warning for this chap in particular, I know its already a warning in the tags but there's some graphic descs of self harm here

About a week later and we both chose to pretend the exchange had never happened. It was easier that way. It was a good day so far, it was the weekend so I spent all day at his house. 

It was a good day for him as well, I convinced him and his sister to come to their basement with me and try to play some video games. 

They weren't on the best of terms so it was a struggle, but about an hour in and we were all having fun. Zoe was clearly feeling much more relaxed than I had ever seen her, even laughing and nudging Connor playfully. He would react similarly, laughing back instead of yelling at her like usual. 

The moment, of course, had to be ruined though.

Connor let out an unhappy groan when his character fell off screen, tossing his controller to the floor.

“God dammit! Ugh, its so fucking hot down here, I can't concentrate…” he grumbled, starting to shrug off his hoodie. Zoe snorted, rolling her eyes. 

“Yeah,  _ that's  _ the reason why you're sucking so bad.” She teased, still focused on the game. Connor scoffed, tossing his hoodie on the couch behind us. I smiled at their banter, leaning into Connor’s side affectionately. He leaned into me in response, picking his controller back up and starting to play once more. 

Only a few seconds passed before the game was paused, making Connor grunt in irritation and glare at his sister. 

“What the hell? Why did you pause? I was just getting back into it!”

“Connor, what happened to your arms?” Zoe asked, her voice hollow and strained. I sat up and quickly looked at Connor’s arms now that she had brought attention to it, and I felt sick. 

Connor’s smiling face dropped in an instant, morphing into an angry, defensive scowl. He crossed his arms close to his chest.

“It's nothing, mind your business.” He growled. Zoe frowned, looking like she couldn't decide whether she should be angry or concerned. 

“I'm serious, what happened to you!?” She demanded, grabbing one of Connor’s wrists and yanking it away from his body, making him hiss in pain. She grabbed his elbow next, holding his arm out so he couldn't pull away from her easily. 

Now with his arm extended and his palm up, I could clearly see the mess he had made. His skin was pink and looked irritated, but it was just the backdrop to the red lines that crossed over his arm, from his wrist down to his elbow. 

He tried to yank his arm away, growling.

“Let me go! Get the fuck off of me, Zoe!” He spat, his voice raising with every word. I felt myself growing tense, my lungs not working correctly as my anxiety kicked in. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath, my eyes glued to his wounds. 

They were so fresh, they must have been done the night before, or even that morning. The scabs over each cut were dark, and some of them looked like they had started to bleed again with all of his fighting to get away from Zoe. 

“No! I'm telling mom you're doing this again!” She threatened, making me swallow hard. 

_ Again? How long has he been hurting himself for…? _

“No you fucking won't! Let me GO!” He screamed, using his free hand to shove her hard in the shoulder, effectively making her let go and fall backwards. Connor was breathing heavily, his face a little red as he stood up, holding his arms close to his chest again. “Why can't you keep your nose out of my personal shit!?”

“Because you're my brother! God forbid I care about you!” Zoe retorted, standing up and glaring at him. “What are you even using to cut yourself? Mom hid all the knives.”

“A knife isn't the only why to hurt myself.”

“Then what?” 

Connor stayed silent, his eyes narrowed. He snatched his hoodie off the couch, pulling it back on with a little more force than was probably necessary. Zoe stepped closer, persistent. 

“What did you use, Connor!?”

“Fuck off!”

“Just tell me!”

“No, go fuck yourself!”

“Connor…” Both of their heads turned to me, and I flinched under their angry stares. Even if I knew the anger wasn't directed at me, I felt uncomfortable. 

I stood up, gently taking one of Connor’s hands in my own. I knew I had to go slow and be gentle to get across to him. He didn't flinch or fight me, but he wouldn't meet my eyes either, staring at his hands intently.

“C-Can you please just say what you used to do this? Please. We only want to help.” I said gently, ignoring Zoe’s dismissive scoff at my words. 

“...What else would someone use to hurt themselves?” Connor answered vaguely, sounding defeated. I frowned at the cryptic answer.

“Um…”

“A razor? So you went full emo?” Zoe supplied, earning a glare from both me and Connor, though my glarencarried a lot less heat. Connor sighed and shrugged. 

“Yeah, I guess so. A fucking razor. Congrats, you guessed it. Can I please go to my room now.”

“No, I want to know where you got a damn razor!” 

“Fuck  _ off _ Zoe-”

“Connor, please…” I begged. After a long pause and a few deep breaths, he spoke again.

“It was from a pencil sharpener. Stupid, I know. But it was all I had.” He answered, glaring at the floor like it had personally wronged him. I swallowed hard, nodding. 

“Thank you for telling me- us, Connor.” I said softly, standing tall so I could give him a gentle kiss. He didn't kiss back, though his shoulders slumped as he finally seemed to relax. 

“Whatever. Can I please go to my room now.” He asked softly. Zoe sighed and rolled her eyes. 

“I don't care. Thanks for ruining our game.” She said sarcastically, though I could have sworn I caught a hint of sadness in her tone. I watched as she stomped up the stairs, leaving Connor and I alone. 

“Do we need to go back to your room? Can we just sit here on the couch and cuddle…?” I asked, rubbing the back of his hand with my thumb. He finally looked up at me, looking tired and sad. 

“Yeah, that's fine. I really just wanted her to leave.”

“I figured…” I sat down, gently tugging his hand to pull him down with me. He sat down heavily beside me, leaning on my shoulder.

“Thanks for not like. Being grossed out I guess.” He mumbled, and I frowned. 

“Why would I be grossed out? I still love you, no matter what. I just want to help you feel better.” I said earnestly, wrapping my arms around his middle and holding him close. He nodded, nuzzling his face against my neck.

“You do make me feel better. No one else seems to want to help, but you do. Thanks for that.”

“Of course. I love you, Connor.”

He doesn't respond, and I don't press.

We sat there comfortably for a few minutes before he lifted his head to look at me. 

“Ev… I love you too. I appreciate you a lot.” He says, and it sounds so genuine. I smile, unable to resist the urge to give him a happy squeeze around his middle. 

“I appreciate you, too. I care so, so much about you… Hey, I have an idea. How about… How about, if you can not hurt yourself for a month, I'll buy you ice cream? I know it's not much, but it's all I have… I can throw in some kisses?” I smile, and he chuckles sadly. 

“Yeah, sure. We can try that. I'll… I'll throw out my razors tomorrow okay? I promise.” 

He sent me a Snapchat video of him flushing the razor down the toilet the next morning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr is foolishly-snowy


	8. Kiss Me Until I Forget

If Connor didn't  _ need  _ to leave the house, he wouldn't. If given the choice, I'm positive he would stay in bed all day. Even if he skipped school almost everyday, he had other reasons to leave the house. Like today.

We were sat in his mother's car, being driven to one of her friend’s house so Connor could watch her kids. He was clearly unhappy about having to do this, but was being a fairly good sport if you ask me. 

The most he had done was argue a bit and give his mother the silent treatment the whole car ride there. I had been visiting at the time when Cynthia had gotten the request for a babysitter, so with the parent's permission I tagged along. 

“You're really sure you want to come, Ev? My mom can probably take a quick detour before we get there and take you home.” Connor muttered, glancing at me. He still looked irritated, but I didn't mind because I know he was just mad at the situation, not at me specifically. 

“No, its really fine. I'd like to try baby sitting, it could be good practice for the future.” I smiled, and Connor smiled back after a moment of hesitation.

“That's one way to look at it, I guess. You'll hate them, though. These kids are awful, they just scream and run around all the time.” 

“All the more reason to not leave you to deal with them alone.” 

Connor chuckled. 

“Touché.”

We soon pulled up to the house, which was surprisingly large and expensive looking. I tried not to think too hard about how rich these people might be as I followed Connor into the house, leaving the adults to talk for a bit. I followed him until he got to the living room, where 3 children were sitting on the floor watching cartoons intently. The oldest couldn't have been older than 10, and the youngest couldn't have been younger than 5.

“They don't seem so bad. Especially if they're just going to do… That. The whole time.” I joked, and Connor shrugged.

“Yeah but it sucks for us. We have to sit on the couch and watch cartoons with them for god knows how long, since they'll probably hurt themselves somehow if we lose track of them.” He sighed, the noise catching the attention of the youngest child. She let out an excited shriek and ran at him, hugging his legs tightly and almost making him fall. 

“Connor!” She squealed, looking up at him happily. “I was so scared Mommy was gonna get someone different! You're my favorite baby sitter!” 

“Oh? And why's that? Because i make you go to bed on time?” Connor asked sarcastically, trying to pry the child off his legs so he wouldn't fall and hurt both of them. She held tight though, and didn't seem to be letting go any time soon.

“You let us watch TV and eat pizza for dinner! And you play with us too, no other babysitters do that!” She yelled, making Connor blush a little. I smiled, raising an eyebrow. 

“I thought all you did was sit and watch them?” I teased, and he scoffed.

“Well I can't ignore them when they get rowdy. They've got to get their energy out somehow, and a game if tag or hide n seek never hurt anyone!” He defended himself, a playful smirk on his face. The other children had also caught on by now that they had visitors, all of them crowding around. 

“Connor, whos that boy with you?” The oldest child asked, pointing at me. I instinctively shrank under all three of their gazes as their eyes turned to focus on me.

“That's my boyfriend, Evan. He's going to be helping me watch you tonight.” Connor told them, and all three of the children squealed happily. After all, 2 extra playmates were always better than one. 

“Can we play hide n seek!? I heard you say hide n seek!” The middlemost child gasped, rocking back and forth on his heels excitedly. Connor heaved a sigh. 

“Fine, fine. Who wants to seek?” He asked, and no one said a word. He rolled his eyes. “Fine then, I'll pick. Marie, you seek.” He said, pointing to the youngest child, Marie. She whined in protest, but went to the couch and fell face down onto it anyway. 

“I'm counting to 30!” She announced, her voice muffled by the couch. “1… 2…” Just like that, the other two children scattered to go hide, leaving just Connor and I. Connor chuckled, grabbing my hand.

“Come with me, I know a good hiding spot.” He told me, leading me down to the lower floor of the house. While it was technically a basement I suppose, it was much too fancy to call it that. It had a weight room, and a bar, and a patio out back… these people really  _ were  _ rich.

Connor then pulled me into a closet that was undoubtedly not built to fit two full grown humans. We were pressed up against each other in the small space, surrounded by musty smelling clothes on all sides. A sliver of light came in under the door, the only light source we had in the closet.

“Th-This is… Kind of a small space… I could hide somewhere else, you know…” I whispered. I had one hand on the door to the closet, the other on the opposite wall. My chest was inches away from Connor’s, and I could feel his breath on my face, he was so close. 

“But hiding isn't fun. It's more fun when I can hide  _ with _ somebody.” He whispered back, and I could just barely see the smirk on his face in the low light. I felt my face heat up, and was glad it was so dark so he couldn't see my blush. 

“But Con, we-” I was cut off by Connor kissing me softly, and I melted into the kiss easily. He pulled away, resting his hands on my hips.

“Shh, don't let them hear you, or else we’ll get found!” He leaned in close, breathing the words into my ear. I had the sudden suspicion that he had been planning this since hide n seek was suggested in the first place.

He rubbed his thumbs against my hips, pushing my shirt up slightly so he could touch my skin, which felt like it was on fire. He leaned in to kiss me again, lifting his knee and pressing it against the wall I was leaning on, right between my legs. He moved his knee up slowly, rubbing his thigh against my clothed dick. 

I felt myself behind to tremble, holding onto his biceps for dear life. I felt him laugh softly against my lips, pushing harder against me so I was fully pinned against the wall. His leg didn't stop moving, and I could feel my own legs shaking, close to giving out. He held tighter to my hips, helping me move them in rhythm with his leg, pressing and rubbing against my most sensitive region just right. 

I couldn't help the breathy gasps and moans that left my mouth with every movement, or the way my legs finally gave out, putting more pressure on my dick as I fully seated myself on his thigh. His own hips pressed closer, and I could feel his erection press against me, only serving to turn me on more. 

The closet suddenly felt much too stuffy and claustrophobic, like I couldn't catch my breath. My senses were being assaulted on all ends, and I couldn't tell if I loved it or hated it. 

I almost screamed when the door was suddenly flung open, light pouring into the small space. Marie stood in the doorway, looking triumphant. 

“Found you!” She called, seemingly unphased by our awkward position.

I yelped and pushed Connor off of me, my face bright red. Connor seemed much less phased however, laughing. 

“You found us, Marie! Good job!” He praised, making the little girl beam. The two other children peeked into the room behind her, having been found prior. 

“Why are you both in the closet? Don't you know its less likely you get found if you hide different places?” The eldest commented, unimpressed. 

“Well Evan doesn't know all the good hiding spots like I do, I had to help him out!” Connor said easily, starting to step out. Suddenly Marie shut the door on them again, letting out a shrill giggle. 

“Help me hold the door closed! We can lock em up and have the house to ourselves!” She squealed, as if it was the best idea ever. I heard the children clamoring to hold the door shut on the other side, making me chuckle nervously.

“Th-This door can't actually lock, can it?” I asked, still a little out of sorts from earlier. 

“No, but it will be hard to open with them all leaning against it like I'm sure they’re doing…” Connor shrugged, looking at me with a hungry look in his eyes. “Wanna continue where we left off?” 

“What?!” I yelped, eyes wide. “With them right outside the door?! Are you crazy?” I saw Connor shrug again in the low light, and I could feel him getting closer to me.

“Maybe I am… crazy for you.” He said smoothly, leaning in for a hard kiss that knocked the air out of my lungs, leaving me breathless. 


	9. Liar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oops  
> Sorry for the short I needed to break up the last and next chapters with something tho

The children let us out about 10 minutes later, and we had to deflect any questions about why my face was so red or why Connor’s hair was knotted. We found ourselves sitting on the living room couch after that, Connor’s arm draped around my shoulder. 

I was pressed up against the arm of the chair, Connor next to me, the three children taking up the rest of the space on the chair, one of them half sitting on Connor just so she could fit. Connor wasn't watching TV however. Instead he had his laptop on his lap, since he seemingly never left the house without it. 

He was on Skype messaging friends he had made online. I wasn't paying much attention, since I didn't know his friends too well. I only really talked to one of them, and it wasn't often, since I don't have Skype on my phone and my laptop is always kept safely at home. I don't have the money to buy a replacement, so u take extra good care of it.

I blink and look down at my lap, not realizing I had been zoning out until a warm weight was placed on my thighs. Connor had shifted his laptop on to me, getting up and stretching. 

“I'll be right back, I have to piss.” He announced, already walking away, presumably to the bathroom. One of the children giggled. 

“That's a bad word!” He gasped, making Connor roll his eyes, not bothering to respond. I watched him walk away, looking at the laptop on my thighs. I was positive he only gave it to me so the kids wouldn't break it, but I was curious. 

I slowly lifted the lid of it, watching as the screen lit up, his Skype messages showing on screen. I felt bad doing this, but I always wondered what kind of things he talked about with these online friends he seemed to be always messaging nowadays. 

I clicked through his contacts, not staying more than a few seconds in each one. I checked the chat with the person we both talked to a bit longer. Connor had met them on some blog site, and directed them to me since he said we have a lot in common. While I don't think that's true necessarily, the guy is very nice to talk to and doesn't mind if I vent to him every now and then. 

I scrolled through the messages him and Connor shared, frowning. I saw a message from the other person, something about how he was hiding tons of razors from his family and they had no idea, and then Connor agreeing. My stomach dropped as I read the time on the messages. They had just been sent this morning. 

I felt like crying. Connor said he flushed his razor… I would have never guessed he had a backup one. I didn't think he would sneak around me like that. 

I swallowed the lump in my throat, deciding to stop reading. I closed the laptop softly, trying to make sense of my now jumbled thoughts. Connor still had a razor? Was he still hurting himself then? He would have told me if he was, right? 

I jumped when the couch dipped next to me, making me topple over and fall into Connor’s lap. He laughed as he settled back into his seat, taking his laptop back from me. 

“Woah, you okay? I mean, I won't complain if you want to rest your head in my lap…” He smiled, and I quickly sat up, blushing. 

“N-No, you just startled me and I lost my balance! Did you really have to fling yourself onto the couch like that?” I huffed, a playful lilt in my voice. I leaned against his shoulder, and he rested his head on mine.

“Hell yeah I did. I needed to make my presence known.” He joked, nudging me gently. I laughed, though it came out a lot softer and forced then I would have liked. Connor frowned, looking at me in concern.

“You okay, babe…?” 

“Yeah. Yes. I'm fine. Just tired.” I answered quickly, letting out a shaky sigh. I didn't have the energy to bring up what I had seen right now. Plus, there were children nearby. They didn't have to hear that conversation. Connor shrugged, opening his laptop and going back to what he was doing.

“Alright then. We’ve still got about 2 hours before we can take you home, so either fall asleep now for a quick nap or keep yourself awake until you can go home.” He smiled, getting another chuckle out of me. I hugged his arm, snuggling closer. 

“I'll try and take a nap then… I love you.”

“Yeah, you too, babe.”


	10. Strike Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've not posted an update for a while after promising daily updates  
> I ran out of prewritten story to post and then I was writing a chapter a night but I got to a part of the story that's really difficult for me to write out, but I'll try to get it up soon c':  
> I'm also not doing great mentally RN so that's not helping  
> I almost texted the ex that prompted this story the other night. Still kind of want to. This weather is really fucking with me or something lmao

“Connor, can we talk?” 

“Mhmm.” He didn't even look up from his laptop.

“Um… When we were babysitting the other day, and you gave me your laptop… Uh, please don't be mad but I kind of read some of your messages?”

“...Okay?” 

“And I. I… I saw you said to someone you hadn't gotten rid of all your razors…” 

Connor finally looked up from the screen, meeting my eyes. I looked away quickly, feeling guilty. 

“I'm j-just worried about you, Connor… I'm trying to help, and lying and sneaking around isn't helpful.” I tried, staring down at my hands. 

“No I… I know you are.” Connor sighed after a few moment, his reaction much calmer than I anticipated. “It's hard to get rid of everything. And what's the point anyway, you know? I'll just find something else to hurt myself with.” 

“Connor, no…” I cut him off, pressing up against his side and taking one of his hands in both of mine. “Please don't talk like that. Please. Just let me help… I want to help.” 

He stared at our joined hands, looking thoughtful. I tried not to get my hopes up as I let him think, but I was so desperate. 

“I think I want your help, too. It's just hard.” He said softly.

“I know, I'm sure it is! But you’re not alone, okay? You have me. How about… E-Every month you go without hurting yourself, I'll get you a new gift. So it's... kind of like a game? It makes it less… you know, boring.” I looked up at him, a hopeful smile on my face. I felt my heart swell when he smiled back.

“I guess I can try. For you.” He leaned in, and I met him halfway for a kiss. 

“I believe in you, I know you can do it…”

“You believe in me more than I believe in myself.” He joked, and I frowned. 

“You'll get better, I promise.”

 

* * *

 

Three nights later, I was laying in bed, aimlessly watching “Top 10” videos on YouTube. Suddenly my video was interrupted when I got a text, and I frowned, sitting up.

 

**Connor:** Game Over.

 

I got a chill at the cryptic words, already feeling uneasy. Connor didn't use capitals, or punctuation. I felt my heart tighten. Game Over. I knew what he was referring to. I should have never compared it to a game. His safety isn't a game. This is my fault.  _ Game Over.  _ I tried to text back, my hands shaking much more than I thought they were.

 

**Evan.H:** connor is everyhting okay plese respond to me 

 

I couldn't breathe. Game Over. I had so much hope. I wanted to help so badly. I didn't even realize I had gotten out of bed until I felt the cold metal of my door knob under my hand. I tore the door open and ran downstairs, rushing for the front door. Game Over. I had to get to him, tell him it's okay, I'm not angry. I barely got to turn the knob before a hand in my shoulder made me snap out if it.

“Evan? What's going on?” My mother's voice brought me back to reality a bit, and I turned to face her. Her concerned frown deepened when she saw me. “Honey, it's 11 at night, why are you up so late?” 

“C… C-Connor- I need to go, need to see him-” I wheeze, coughing. Why can't I breathe? Am I out of breath from running downstairs? I'm not that out of shape, am I?  _ Game Over.  _ I drop my phone on the floor, grabbing my arm with my now empty hand and digging my fingernails into my skin, anything to ground myself. I hear my mother gasp, muffled by the blood rushing in my ears. I can't see anymore, everything is blurry.

“Evan, sweetheart look at me. Please, you're scaring me.” My mother’s panicked voice makes me try harder to blink away the blurriness, vaguely registering the feeling of tears on my cheeks. She gently guides me to the couch, letting me sit down. I'm still having trouble breathing, my breaths coming out in short wheezes. 

“Shhh, shhh… You need to calm down baby, try and do your breathing exercises Dr Sherman showed you…”

I want nothing more than to scream at her words. This is not the time for me to be thinking about breathing. Connor could be dead- 

“Connor, Connor is… He, he hurt himself again, he…” I managed to choke out, pulling my knees up to my chest and hugging my legs tight. I wanted to disappear in that moment. I didn't want to be dealing with this. I want to try again, make better decisions, change something so Connor wouldn't-!

“Oh, honey… Relapse is natural, it's a part of the healing process.” My mother soothed me, rubbing my back. I let out a soft hiccup, finally starting to get a grasp on my breathing.

“But he… He was going to get better.”

“He is getting better. As long as he keeps making the effort, every day he gets closer and closer to being better.”

I wanted to believe her.

 

* * *

 

I got up early and went to his house as soon as I could. It was 10am, so I could only hope he would actually be awake this early. I quietly made my way up his stairs and to his room, careful not to make any noises in case he was sleeping. I knocked softly on the door.

“Connor? Its. It's me.” I called out. I got a grunt as an answer. I took that as an okay to enter, so I pushed the door open and stepped into the room, shutting the door behind me. I tried to ignore how messy the room had become since I last visited. Books were tossed onto the floor haphazardly, candy and food wrappers were sticking out from under Connor’s bed, dirty laundry was on almost every surface. I stepped over it all carefully, pausing to let him make space for me on the bed. He didn't look at me, his eyes on the computer in his lap. I sighed and sat next to him anyway, feeling like crying when I realized that I could fit next to him without hanging off the side. It was only a twin size bed, but Connor had gotten so skinny he hardly took up any room. How had I not noticed earlier? 

“Connor… I'm sorry.” I broke the silence. He glanced at me, the  went back to looking at the laptop screen.

“Why are you sorry?”

“Because I. I feel like I failed you.”

“...it's not your fault. Maybe I just don't want to be helped as much as I thought.” He mumbled, shrugging. I turned to face him fully, feeling sick as my eyes caught the red lines on his arm. I took a shaky breath, gently placing my hand on top of his where it stayed on the track pad, not pausing in his clicking. 

“I'm not mad at you, or anything. I love you so much Connor, I…” I got flustered for a moment, unsure how to speak my feelings. Instead I scooted down so I was laying in the bed and lifted one of his hands so I could rest my head on his chest, his arm drapes over me so he could still reach the laptop. I hadn't thought this through, as I was now face to face with the cuts that had barely scabbed over all over the inside of his arm. I shut my eyes tightly, nuzzling further into the soft fabric of his shirt. He didn't acknowledge me.


	11. Mistake

I stayed over much later than I usually would have that night. I really just didn’t want to be alone, and though he barely talked to me the entire time I was over, anything was better than having to sit alone in my house with only my thoughts. He only spoke to me near the very end of our visit, where i politely asked him where the backup razor was. To my surprise, he actually showed me. And gave it to me, so that I would know he wouldn’t have access to it any longer. I knew he could always get another sharp object at anytime, but it made me feel a bit better that he trusted me at least. But I had to go home eventually, so around 9pm, Cynthia drove me home. She tried several times to engage in a conversation with me, eventually giving up when I only gave one word answers, clearly not wanting to speak. 

I felt drained. Too many emotions had been felt over the past 12 hours or so. I was just tired. So, so tired. When I got home, after thanking Cynthia for the ride, I went right up to my room. I laid face down on my bed, grabbing my pillow and shoving my face into it. I wanted to scream into the soft material, scream until I could feel  _ something.  _ I couldn’t muster the energy to do even that. I heaved a sigh and turned onto my back, staring blankly at the ceiling. The static in my head seemed to clear just long enough for me to remember, and pat at my jeans pocket. 

I sat up, reaching into my pocket carefully. 

The razor Connor had handed over to me was in there still, I had forgotten to get rid of it. I should probably do that before it rips up my jeans or something. I got it out of my pocket without nicking my fingers, and held it in my palm. It was so unassuming. Shiny and small, hardly and inch long. It didn’t have any dried blood on it, so it truly looked harmless. I stared at it until my vision got blurry and unfocused, and I had to blink a few times to reel myself back in. I felt something buzzing, pulling, at the back of my brain. No words were being spoken, it wasn't like I was hearing things, but I could almost  _ feel _ the demand.

_ Do it, see what it feels like. Do it. Do it. Do it. _

My head was starting to hurt. The unspoken words, pressing me to do something I didn’t want to do. My hands were working on autopilot, anything to stop the pressure. I hurriedly pushed down my pants and boxers a bit with one hand, moving my shirt out of the way to reveal the pale, unmarred skin on my hip. I couldn't even feel myself thinking as I pressed the blade to my skin, slowly dragging it across in a horizontal line. I knew I wasn't doing it right when all that happened was a pale red line appeared, since it hasn't even broken the skin. I bit my lip as I tried again, pressing down harder. I audibly gasped at the sudden pain, quickly pulling away. I had broken the skin, but barely. But it hardly mattered, it hurt so much. Why did anyone do this to themselves? It hurt, it hurts… 

The nagging in my head still hadn't stopped. 

I let out a soft helpless whimper, glad no one was home to hear my pathetic cries. This time I tried something different. I slashed fast across my hip, the razor not touching my skin for more than half a second. I watched as a bright red line appeared, beads of blood bubbling to the surface of the cut. I felt sick as I watched, bringing the razor down once more. I kept cutting until the buzzing finally stopped. I dropped the razor onto my bed spread, staring down at my hip. My ugly, bloody hip. The skin around the cuts was pink and raw, and my whole leg ached. Why did I do that? It hurts, it hurts so badly. 

I sobbed, my chest feeling tight as I struggled to catch my breath. I’m no better than Connor now. I pulled my pants back up, letting out a sharp cry of pain at the feeling of the rough material of my pants dragging across my freshly wounded skin. I cried harder, taking my pants off completely and throwing them to the floor, leaving myself in just my boxers, still pulled down enough to not irritate the skin. 

I grabbed the razor again and opened my window, tossing the piece of metal out of it without a second thought, I needed it out of my life, I couldn't stand another second of it sitting on my bed, mocking me. I vaguely noticed how my leg ached and burned as I walked to and from my window, but I tried to ignore it. I got back into bed, this time pulling the covers off and slipping under them. I cursed under my breath when the soft sheets brushed the open wounds, making me bite my tongue so I didn't cry out again. 

This was a mistake. 

This  didn’t help at all, why, why did I do that? 

I couldn't stop thinking about how I’ll be scarred for life now. About how much of a hypocrite I am for telling Connor to stop and then hurting myself the second he trusts me with his razor. I’m a fool, and a hypocrite, and an awful, terrible boyfriend. 

These thoughts bounced around my head until I eventually cried myself to sleep, vowing to remember to tell Connor what had happened tonight when I saw him next. 

The last thing I need is be a liar on top of every other flaw I have.


	12. Deeper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: non graphic suicide attempt

That night was the first time I let a blade kiss my skin on purpose. I vowed it would be the last. I went to Connor's house the next day, crying as I pulled my pants and boxers down just enough to show him what I had done. He frowned, holding me close. 

“Oh, Evan… where did you even get a razor?”

“I used y-yours…” 

“God, I hope you don't get some sort of bloodborne disease then…” he tried to joke, but it fell on deaf ears. I sobbed into his shirt, nuzzling my face against his chest.

“I'm so sorry Connor, I… I don't know what happened, I didn't mean to do it at all! I swear, I meant to just get rid of the razor and be done with it!” I cried, my shoulders shaking with the force of my sobs. I didn't even know if he could understand what I was saying through my crying, but I kept talking anyway. “I didn't want to do it at all but I ended up doing it 25 times anyway!  _ Twenty five!  _ And I don't even know why, it hurt so much…” 

He shushed me gently, running a hand through my hair.

“It's okay, love… I'll take care of you, okay? Come talk to me when you feel like this. I promise I'll be there to help so that number never goes higher than 25.” He said solemnly, making me pull away from the hug to meet hid eyes. 

“You promise?” 

“I promise.” 

I sniffled, smiling a little. 

“I love you.”

“You too.”

\---

As days went by since that day, I had pretty much forgotten about my little incident. Probably partly because I wanted to forget it even happened in the first place. I was feeling better as a whole, the cuts had scabbed up and didn't hurt anymore, so they were easy to ignore. Connor was doing well it seemed, and we hadn't had any issues. The only thing that could maybe be considered an issue was today, a week from my “incident”. It wasn't a big deal, he just hadn't responded to my texts in a while. I wasn't getting torn up about it, he slept in quite late some days and sometimes wouldn't respond until nighttime. So I didn't let it bother me, until I was in bed that night. Still watching my phone. It was 10pm, and still nothing. With a tiny sigh, I pick up my phone again and send him another message, anything to get him to respond. I was starting to worry I had made him upset in some way. Did I say something that offended him and he didn't call me out on it? Did I make him feel uncomfortable in some way? Did I-

**_One new message!_ **

My train of thought cut off as my laptop pinged. I frowned when I saw it wasn't Connor, just a friend we both talk to on Skype. I grabbed my laptop anyway, happy to have a distraction from Connor's silence at least. I laid on my belly on my bed and made myself comfortable with my laptop in front of me. I opened the message that was sent, feeling a little disconnected. 

 

**Doc:** im so sorru this is out of no where im so sorry

**Evan.H:** What's going on?

 

I frowned nervously. This was the same person Connor had divulged his backup razor's existence to. I knew him and Connor chatted pretty often.

 

**Doc:** its connor

 

I swallowed hard, feeling my chest tighten with anxiety. My blood ran cold, my hands shaking as I typed a response back. 

 

**Evan.H:** What happened, you're scaring me 

**Doc:** he tried to take his own life tonight. he told me. h tried to but he couldnt make the last cut. im shakign with nerves idont know what to do 

 

I could relate. I myself was trembling badly, already feeling tears spring to my eyes.this can't be happening. 

 

**Evan.H:** You can't be serious 

**Doc:** he couldnt make the last cut he was so close im so scared please. check on him for the both of us he hast responded to me in a while

**Evan.H:** I will, thank you for telling me. I'll keep you updated 

 

I shut my laptop without waiting for a response, burying my face in my hands. I wanted to scream and cry and beat my fists agaisnt the wall until my knuckles bled. I knew I couldn't go to him right now, my mother would never let me. It was far too late at night, almost midnight. I knew for a fact she would only tell me to wait until tomorrow. She would always say the same thing when I insisted he needed me. 

“He has a family who cares for him. They'll make sure he's safe.” 

I sniffled, putting my laptop on my nightstand and laying down properly, cuddling my pillow like my life depended on it. She had no idea what his family was like. He needed  _ me.  _ I needed  _ him. _ I needed to make sure he was okay. I let out a dry sob, tears stuck behind my eyes. I pressed my face into my pillow and screamed into it, the sound muffled by the fabric. I screamed until my throat was raw, reduced to choked sobs and wet sniffles. Tears finally were falling, staining my cheeks and wetting my pillow case. I cried until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, falling victim to exhaustion after an hour of non stop sobbing.

\---

I was so afraid I would be too late come the next morning. What if he was already gone? Should I have just snuck out last night without mom knowing? Will he still want to see me? 

One question rang louder than the others. 

_ Why didn't he come to me when he was feeling suicidal?  _

I drew in a shaky breath. Now wasn't the time. I knocked softly on his bedroom door, having spaced out for most of the walk to his house. I didn't get a response, so I very gently pushed the door open. My eyes landed on him, sitting up in bed with his computer on his lap. I forced my eyes to stay fixed on his face as I stepped into the room. 

“Hey.” I said softly, afraid to break the silence. He looked up at me, his eyes sad and tired.

“Hey.”

“So… um…”

“He told you, huh?” Connor interrupted, sighing. “I knew he would. He knows how much you care about me.” He was talking about our shared friend on Skype who had contacted me. I frowned. 

“You aren't angry at him are you? He was only trying to help.”

“No. I'm not mad. I'm whatever.” Connor shrugged. I sighed, catching on that Connor clearly didn't want to talk. I sat down next to him on his bed, resting my head on his shoulder. 

“I'm glad you're okay.” I gently put my hand over his, and he let out a soft grunt in response. “I mean it. I love you, Connor.” He made no indication he had heard, continuing to play a game on his computer. I gave up trying to talk, my eyes drifting down. Finally I saw what I was trying to avoid. His right arm. Thick, red lines ran from the crook of his elbow to about 3 inches below his wrist. I gasped softly, unable to hold back my reaction. His arm had some sort of gel all over it, Neosporin I assumed. I shuffled down on the bed until I was eye level with his arm, resting my cheek against it softly. 

“You're gonna get Neosporin all over your face.” He said above me, looking down with a distant look on his face. I shook my head, hugging his arm gently. 

“I don't care. I need to make sure you know I love you. I'm so happy you're still here, I…” I was getting choked up, hiccuping softly as tears flowed down my cheeks. “I don't know what I would do without you. I love you so much.” 

I heard him sigh. 

“You too, Evan.”

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr is foolishly-snowy


End file.
